70 MM IMPETUS-on Movie Misfits!-PART I

PROLOGUE:

As the movie starts playing in the Cinema Hall, we transcend into the Reel world to peep into the life of the Protagonist leaving behind our conscious self with the popcorn tub. Movies are the escapist solace people seek from the real world. But the duration of the sub-conscious mind’s stay in the fabricated world is dependent on how much we connect emotionally with the director’s figment of imagination. If the movie works, the mind’s relaxed & we crave for a little more of the experience(Quantum of solace>ticket rate)…but when the movie doesn’t, the mind immediately goes on a guilt trip questioning the propriety of the decision to watch the movie  when naphthalene balls were there for consumption to achieve the same purpose & why the director’s dad should have been impotent , but then it fantasizes butter popcorn melting in the tongue ably lubricated by Coke to make up for the void.(Quantum of Solace=Butter Popcorn +Coke or Quantum of Solace<Ticket Rate).

Movies have inspired lives in many ways -got some  married while getting some divorced, created awareness about social issues, invented new techniques for high end burglaries, vanquished nuclearity in some families and has split some joint families, made alcohol beverages a mandatory helpline for heartbreaks among other things.

Then there are some actors who give their lives for movies and some for who people would give their lives. This blog is dedicated to the funny side of the tinsel town with its share of clichés & myths.

INTRODUCTION SEQUENCE:

These are the generally practiced methods for the pre-intro scene build-up-either  a family is shown being slaughtered with a solitary member escaping with a kid(we know who) or group of girls are chased in a busy highway by stunt masters or domestic animals are shown causing mayhem in neighbourhood or comedian is enquired by a bevy of girls about the hero’s whereabouts or sidekicks out of the blue  start belting out previous movie names of the hero looking at the audience or  junior artist farmers are exploited by Stunt Master landlord or a Mafia Lord draws a line challenging junior artist labourers  to cross it to save a fellow old labourer or a Wrestling Tournament where an aggressive Pakistani/North-Indian Wrestler  beats the hell out of junior stunt masters & challenges the Masculinity of Indians/Tamizhans or most commonly hordes of junior stunt masters rowdies  run into a very familiar abandoned  workshop/factory godown set chasing the hero .

Once the build-up is over, we are shown a pair of legs walking towards us or a fist is shown along with a hefty goon flying away and the focus gradually moves upwards to the hero’s face who winks, acknowledging the anonymous body parts to be his.

OPENING SONG:

This is the culmination point of the intro scene, where the hero blows his own trumpet gyrating alongside a desperate choreographer & a group of junior dancers. Extra effort is taken to show montages of the hero helping septuagenarians cross roads, helping school kids do their home-work or saving the stereo-type pregnant woman from her drunkard hubby or snubbing super-models during the song’s running time. At the end of every stanza the hero performs specialty dance-movements like “saraswathi with tambura- step”, ”monkey on the highway -step”, “playing flute rotating on the toe-step“,”dog on pursuit of moving bun- step” to name a few.

Then enough importance is given to include heavy-duty messages in the lyrics that are characterized by eternity of friendship, work is worship aspect, importance of labourers, how to impress girls, why girls are dangerous to a guy’s future, board-exam FAQs, CBSE syllabus, ayurvedic beauty tips,6 packs diet, how to bake flower like idlis, SBI interest rates ,ruling party manifesto, details of off-season sale at life-style etc.

 20-60  60-60 & 20-16  60-20 Syndrome:

Cinema is all about eternity, the role you start your career which becomes your staple role in for the rest of your life. There are infinite cases where an actor started playing  60 yr old at his 20th yr & continued playing  60yr old at his 60^th yr too(20-60-60-60) & likewise there were the lucky ones who started their careers, playing roles of their age & continue playing the similar age roles even as their life insurance is about to mature(20-16-60-20).

Following would be the salient features of the (20-60-60-60) victims:

·         Fixed income, job security similar to Govt jobs

·         Opportunity of grandfatherly/fatherly hugs & kisses from heroines of different generations who after their heydays act as your spouse.

·         It’s a very dirty situation to flirt with the heroine outside the shoot with the contingency of her calling you pa/grandpa looming large.

·         Frustration of not making to the casting couch

·         Remarkable acumen over choice of  wigs(subject to the rapidness of balding)

·         Embarrassment of seeing school friends go to college sporting t-shirts in bikes, flirting with girls of their age group.

·         Can’t do heavy workouts in gyms due to nature of role

·         Endorsements comprising of bone & joint hospitals, piles/diabetes medicine , matrimonial , mediclaim insurance, betel nut & supari

·         Monotony of roles ranging from aging father to ailing father to doting grandpa(who tries hard to be cute & who’s ears is twisted by a  seasoned grandma actor  for stealthily trying to eat sweet) to a bed ridden grandpa(who flirts with the nurse) to a dead grandpa hanging in the house’s wall

of fame( the pre-death footage comes in a blink n miss flashback)

Following would be the salient features of the (20-16-60-20) beneficiaries:

·         Rapidly increasing income, directly proportionate to the market

·         Option of as many retakes during making of intimate scenes with heroines

·          Can negotiate risk & lust by using a body double for risky action sequences while erotic sequences & item numbers can be done with own efforts.

·         Can be the chairman of casting couch committee & still cut a pious public image by regular visits to hilly terrains & pet donations to famous religious trusts.

·         Embarrassment of watching enacted romantic or exaggerated stunt sequences with grandchildren who get you daily BP/sugar tablets or help you negotiate slippery toilets back home.

·         Ass of the gym trainer’s sarcasm post preview of enacted “mass”action flick, when his assistance is a prerequisite for a brief stint on the treadmill or lifting unflattering weights

·         Endorsement including Mobile Companies, Clothing Line, Shampoo, Fairness Creams, Beverages, Templeships, gold loans

SABERTOOTH TIGERS:

·         They are actors whose expiry date precedes the manufacturing date. Like lizards & cockroaches, even they are uninvited guests who invade our prime time on TV in cookery shows, game shows ,funeral of eminent men, reality shows  &  try everything under the sun to make it big from releasing steamy MMSs, driving swanky cars, running in issue based marathons, attending audio releases & VIP weddings, pay local magazines to come on Page 2,dirty the neighbourhood walls with their  bogus birthday wishes posters thrice a year carrying random names claiming themselves to be members from their Spurious ‘All India Fans Club’, but it just doesn’t happen. The people neither love them nor hate them; they are just not bothered about their existence. Even if these actors walk through the busiest phases of a crowded mall on a weekend, people just look through them & don’t even acknowledge them as an obstacle, leave alone as an actor on the verge of extinction. Their regular phrases in forced interviews include-“I’m Single & ready to mingle”, when not enquired about their relationship status or the more famous line-“I’m waiting for the right script”. The only thing they are acknowledged for is the bankruptcy of producers.

·         These erstwhile actors get clad in white shirts taking their jobs too seriously, trying to make domestic gladiators out of unalarmed homemakers through their candid toilet trots & dish washing crash courses, trying to make the most out of these forbidden home products ad campaigns. Some get adopted by upcoming TV channels for their crass Reality shows on lifetime lease, like an old bird with broken wings by kind elders.

·         CORNER SEAT SENSATIONS:

Their movies are unanimously lapped up by cupid struck couples, not for right reasons though! Cinema halls screening these actor’s movies come across as a very private place, displaying a queer pattern of corner seats alone getting filled by desperate couples for salacious reasons. The famine-hit theatre management is only too happy to heed to the demands to alter the sound levels or air conditioning inside the hall, from the last traces of life left inside. No wonder that the government’s Population Control Campaign prohibits these movies from being screened. Also growing trend of diabetics preferring these movies over jogger parks for solitude have been reported. 

THE UNCLE WHO FLEW ALONG WITH OUR LOGIC:

These are movies where one could carry rice & vegetables alone to make biriyani or plain pizza base to make pizza from- Our very own Pan Indian high calorie “Masala” movies where things get as “Cheesy” as the heart can tolerate.

 When Hollywood superhero flicks release here, the first thought that flashes across an average movie buff’s mind is not of amusement, but of déjàvu  that instigates him to feel what’s the fuss about when Vxjxy/Rxjxi do similar things movie after movie in author- backed minimalist roles such as auto-driver/milkman/coolie.

 Where Hollywood spends a bomb on visual effects, we spend a fortune on building elaborate properties for duets. When Hollywood relied on mutated spider stings, bats or galactic interventions to complete the super hero transformation, all our hero needs is the bad guy to utter a syllable of the swear word on his dad’s face or make passes at his heroine/sister or attempt corruption at a government office or adultery at a ration shop or just be a Pakistani to evoke the Super hero within irrespective of the role be it lawyer,doctor,software engineer, priest or even  limbless wheel chair bound handicap or blind multiple sclerosis hit  protagonist!

While Hollywood depends heavily on Marvel/DC Comic book for its Superhero stories, our movie marvels derive their stories from mid-shoot lunch break chats between the hero’s left hand(PA) & the Assistant Directors or the producer’s school going kid’s fantasy inspired from his POGO patronage.

 When Hollywood heroes go on crash diets & lift heavyweights to bulk up for the role, our heroes crash their diets in thalapakattu cuisines & lift heavier weights (flabby-thunder-thighed heroines) to prepare for the role. While some dimwits  meticulously  develop big biceps’ that protrude from ther sleeves, smart ones stitch shirts tight for their spongy arms.

 While their antagonists are endowed with Super-human powers & super-kewl gadgets, our ones are endowed with uncanny sense of humour, proficiency in foul language, a loud dubbing artist, flourishing paunches, thick gold chains , masculine concubines, knifes & spades(no guns even if from Al-Qaeda) & customary white Sumos which have an integral part of action screenplays.

FAD 2 BORIN

·         Insipid sequences include the hero reciting poetry characterized by his previous movie names in chronological order sans correlation to a perplexed villain camp or the villain’s sidekicks doing SWOT analysis of the hero’s unlimited prowess predicting their inevitable decadence.

·          Also insecurity over the recall value of the movie’s title on the audience’s mind makes every random character utter it on loop mode like a TSN jingle or casting prematurely ripe child artists who threaten to transcend our line of tolerance with animated dialogue delivery hinting the hero’s arrival & departure time in the villain’s den or giving lead to the famous song in the movie.

·         Wide angle shot of main villain marauding in the company of his unvaccinated   gang as the opening credits roll, when random paper cuttings screaming  out his menace are shown in the backdrop with howler headlines(like US Economy hit by murder in T Nagar by Buji Babu).Also  a  not so sportive villain gunning down his comrade after losing in a game of chess/ arm wrestling or striking out the word ‘loser’ from a copy  of the oxford dictionary is shown to us, to subtly accustom the audience to the levels of asininity to come.

ADD ONS

Also there are these Super savers Packages where actors come at a 2 for the price of 1 offer for repetitive footages that include

(a) Rape sequences-where one ‘rape specialist actor’(X)acts as the proverbial spoilt step brother(mostly) of the hero who rapes the ‘raped specialist actress’(Y) who always belongs to a poverty-stuck idealistic household who later gets distress sold to him by the hero’s lecture demo on “divinity of feminity” combined with boorish verdict from the Panchayat Head.

(b)Voice of society sequences: Where they (X & Y) instigate the hero’s family to immolate themselves by their pungent gossip  act from roadside, following the hero’s narcotic frame-up/sister character’s brothel frame-up in unimaginative flashback sequences.

(c) Summoning forces of nature sequences: Here they(X & Y again) come across as a couple bereaved by the antagonist’s philandering ways leading to them making an over the top plea to the forces of nature to bring a suitable nemesis to the villain, promptly after which the shot fluctuates from their face to the hero’s footwear(metaphorical of their prominence).

(d) Impersonal Sequences: My personal favourite, where their  photos ( X & Y)  alone are used in the movie as either a deceased person’s portrait hanging in the hero’s house,  International Mafia lord in a  blink and miss slideshow by the CBI or a girl’s photo which the matchmaker shows the hero, who rejects it.

CUPID DUPID

Concocted romantic sequences generally made up of a drop dead gorgeous bird-brained heroine who comes across the hexagenarian hero (who’s on the hit list of Devil of Diabetes  with an attractive stationary wig that sits like a domesticated pet on his head), 30-35 times coincidentally  wearing the same colored clothes as him uplifting the society, helping true lover elope or mend broken weddings by soliloquies leading to fund raising for Dowry collection, giving empowerment peons, making hush educational donations at road signals & helping disabled hawkers sell consumer goods. Then the looker who wasn’t noticing his admirer all along, falls for her clumsiness & homely character over her looks and thus begins the first of many unimaginative duets & upsurge in the outward march of restless smokers outside the cinema hall.

Another technique to impress a girl, that has been repeated to the hilt includes the Ethnic-Chauvinistic hero(dressed up in humid leather jacket or unbuttoned Full hand Magenta Shirt displaying his artistically done-up triangular Chest hair formation)  belting up an unsavory, sexist speech to the baffled heroine clad in modern outfit in a crowded Public place on –“Indian Culture, Declining trends in Sarees with comparative figures from 2010-11 Census,   Inverse relation of feminity and Pepe Jeans, Urge for English to be made the second language in English medium schools, Sacredness of Idli shops over Mary Brown joints,  On why  oiled hair with flowers is preferred over Pantene, Edge that Hawai Apparels with anklets have over high heeled footwear.”

As aggravating as Double Standards get, we are shown a series of events that exhibit the transition of the heroine from a tomboy to a timid Saree Clad person who fantasizes the average looking hero mouthing those obtuse dialogues on loop mode in slow-mo leading to an aesthetic duet picturised on the hero dressed up for Halloween, gyrating alongside the two-piece clad heroine with a voyeuristic camera swaying around Censor-cut regions with hitting below the belt lyrics playing behind.

MINUTE MADE:  

This is the optimistic stereotype portion of the movie which usually begins after a confrontation between the hero & his friend/villain/heroine’s father, after which we are shown the meteoric rise of the hero from a modest position within the running time of a heavy duty song. Sequences move in montages throughout the song duration which show the hero working hard in menial jobs & then his overflowing hundi followed by his mother inaugurating his first business premise, then convenient flash shots of his Company Name board on stray buildings indicating the expansion of his business empire followed by blazer parade alongside sidekicks arranged horizontally, then the dwindling fortunes of his challenger characterized by “sale of bungalow” sequences and metaphorical footages like winner going up the escalator, while the crest fallen challenger coming down.

We are spoon fed with lame sequences like the hero gesturing instructions to the baffled architect in a construction site, board meeting with foreigners indicative of his international expansion or “stark comparison” shots of the hero’s metamorphosis from being naïve & disrespected in the past to the Messiah of the Masses who provides stone-faced justice in the accompaniment of metaphorical lyrics like “the breeze turned into a storm” or the “heart’s moisture has dried up in the heat of vengeance”. To add garbage to the brimming bin, we are tormented with juvenile usage of graphics showing volcanoes erupting from mountains behind as the hero serenades  the screen or his face turning into a lion/dinosaur or we are shown multiple expansions of the hero.    

AD(verse)TISEMENTS:

We can afford the extravagance of a board that says “Stray Dogs & Salesmen Not Allowed” outside our residence or get registered as a DNC number with our mobile operator to avoid getting perturbed by irksome Salesmen, we can’t seek the same immunity from these desperate actors who invade our lives through TV commercials or giant billboards from which they intimidate us with their Plastic Frown. Through their imbecile ad campaigns they pass on socially responsible messages like- the society eunuchizes a guy till he uses a certain fairness cream, platinum jewellery  is a must for your wife to declare pregnancy, noodles are the  universal language of motherly love to school going kids, filter coffee bails you out from the verge of divorce, aerated beverages are a pre-requisite for you to indulge in bungee jumping or a batsman to play his signature shot, certain toothpastes  play  ideal match makers in public transport ,it’s a gala event to pledge your wife’s jewellery for a jewel loan, certain soaps are needed for a girl to become an airhostess, certain deodorants make Pied Pipers out of anorexic men and all you need is a  Mobile Connection to reunite with your estranged grandparents. Some indecent actors even go to the extent of giving lecture-demo about these products in critical portions of their movies without any correlation, nauseating the audience thus. They are no different from greedy Street hawkers barring the medium, reach and scale of remuneration.

P.S: Sarcastic references to any actor with or without wig, who get paid/ pay to act, dead or preferred dead, suffering from chronic piles or frequent IT raids, posthumously granted phony doctorates, guilty of failed molestation attempts on their domestic helps is purely intentional!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY-Appa & Amma

PROLOGUE:

Two pan-kodambakkam aunties bump into each other in public places like auto-stand,vegetrouble market,jogger’s park,zebra crossing by the conspiracy of the forces of nature in the garb of coincidence. Little do they realise that they would co-conspire to change the live of two strangers, as destiny’s chosen pawns. One aunty had an eligible bachelor in her family & the other contrived aunty had the proverbial eligible bride in hers. So during one of their regulation neighbourhood relation reconciliation chats a.k.a gossip session, they naturally ran out of topic due to repeated analysis of other neighbourhood family crises…so finally started talking about current affairs from familiar territories a.k.a families. In this discussion came the impending issue of unmarried youngsters from respective families belonging to opposite genders. Thus the hitherto irresponsible septuagenarians wore their match-maker hats and decided to take their relationship to the next level.

PONNU-PAKARA DAY & CULMINATION(The day when the Earth stood still):

When strangers find it uneasy to travel together in the same seat together in a public transport, how would it be for two ill-informed- “never met before” families to trade their daughter and son over a plate of un-hygienic sweets and savories based on the opinion from reliable sources!?

The bridegroom’s family lead by Aunty 1.0 descend on the bride’s home pitch(house) in multiples of twenty with similar shades of clothes as a mark of solidarity, whilst the bride’s mildly terror-struck family lead by Aunty 2.0 prepares for the commodity exchange with swift revisions of the FAQs. After the first round of coy exchanges, the bride is introduced by her elders who callout her name in chorus to the groom’s family and her salient facets are given out while the savories are circulated around. As a part of the due diligence test, she is asked to stretch her vocal chords by the groom’s elders & she bowls them out. Then the groom’s alma-matter is scrutinized along with formal enquiries about his earning abilities & hobbies. Then in arm’s-length fashion, the groom & bride family participate in the final show-down-DOWRY FIXATION*(subject to market risk & competitor’s offers)  & declare the bride & groom- COUPLE!!

Thus happened my parent’s arranged(by aunties) marriage & the society got another adorable aunty and uncle in due course.

POST-MARRIAGE:

Like is the case with most couples, though the beginning wasn’t quite fancy…in due course the wall of their relation cemented by love has stood firm during the numerous tests of time including

·         financial crunches

·         nosy relatives

·         rising onion prices

·         In-Laws hostility

·         Festivals & rituals

·         Choice of cuisine

·         Shopping delays

·         TV channel conflicts

·         Ethnicity differences

·         Children

·         Me among other things.

P.S-Elaboration on above-mentioned topics strategically avoided due to domestic security reasons.

EPILOGUE:

As individuals they were plain and boring then, but as a couple they are one of the most loveable people & one of the friendliest parents ever(who allow us to call them by their names). This brings me to the end of this fact-fiction blog on ma parent’s arranged-turned-love marriage and they are living happily ever after with my sister and me.

OMG-metaphor misundestood

PROLOGUE:

Some religions talk about God indulging in graphical showdowns with mythical monsters and multi-headed/limbed demons, while some talk about God being a modest Good   Samaritan( far cry from being flashy) who uplifted people by his virtues and eventually was killed lamely by the villain. So which version is true? the dramatic folklore animated with larger than life happenings or the subtle one, that would qualify as an award-winning art movie?

The phenomenon of God is a very guarded enigma that makes it inaccessible to logic. It puzzles you more & more you to try to explore the origin. God is the best example of the concept of word of mouth, through which it has been survived across continents for eons. How do I know about god, my mom told me, who told her? her mom…who told her?...it goes on! Has anybody has seen God?...Phat comes the cob-webbed reply that -like air, God can only be felt!!

Did God make man or man make God?

Is God then one of the many things which MasterCard can’t buy??

Or maybe like in Incognito Mode where the access is a secret process, but downloads are visible…God can’t be also seen, but his manifestations can be!

ORIGIN

Let us try to fathom the origin of God-As the early man was evolving from an ape to a barbarian to a civilian, his reasoning & questioning ability was also improving. Gone were the days when his purpose of life revolved around food,  mate, shelter & Nature worship. Now he started questioning  the cause behind inconceivable  happenings beyond his imagination like rain, snow, thunder, flood, hurricane, earthquake, volcano, Identity of the creator of the Sun & Moon and even the regulating authority behind birth, old-age, disease and death were burning issues.

Much to his dismay, he couldn’t trace down the origin of none of these happenings &  manifestations  and there were a lot of looming gaps in his existing  assumptions, that hurt his ego a lot. So he thought of the most convincing answer to all these super-natural happenings & manifestations in a dramatic way-A super-natural being  with unlimited prowess should be controlling all these happenings from a celestial planet above the earth-thus were born GOD & HEAVEN.

Like an imaginative figure balancing an untallied balance sheet, the inclusion of the concept of GOD into the equation seemed to fill the gaps. Then he gave God a form, started worshipping him and from then on, the following generations followed suit with implicit obedience. But, even after Science demystified the process behind all the natural happenings & manifestations with logical reasoning, the concept of God would remain unscathed, as it had already penetrated deeply into the lives & minds of the people who were already regulated by religious institutions for generations  together now. Thus divine logical reasoning was made blasphemous by self-appointed religion police & the sore thumbs were called-ATHEISTS.

Please remember that I’m not a skeptic who wants to belittle God nor do I want to inflict provocative feelings in the minds. These are the point of views of a rationalist, who believes in things that appease his common sense. I just can’t buy the “Ignorance is bliss” concept here, even more when it plays a major hand in orchestrating my lifestyle. Ironically ,I do go to temples  & pray to the Lord’s Idol there.

Lets discuss the major issues revolving around the concept of God:

IDOL WORSHIP:

This is the most ancient form of worship that works on the assumption that God resides in the statue. But the rationale behind this is to direct our gratitude for being created as a human being when we could have been an amoeba & attribute our happiness, success to infinite supreme energy that is not conceivable by a mortal mind. Hence the statue of a God/Goddess in human form for us to relate better. The statue acts as a focal point to direct our positive feelings towards the universe & concentrate our gratitude on something concrete .Smearing the statue with multicolored powders, bathing it with sandalwood extract, curd, honey, milk etc is not even remotely divine nor is it a shortcut to earn brownie points in Karma table. These edible items are for mortal consumption & there are so many people who go without a course of meal for weeks together in our nation and bathing a stone with these edible items is a national crime and even the creator would hate it. So worshipping an Idol without appreciating the ideology behind it is IDLE-WORSHIP!

 CULTURE,FOLKLORE & FESTIVALS:

Our nation’s diversity is characterized by so many cultures based on so many religions that are in turn based on so many  Gods. A weird phenomenon is that  like onion & petrol prices- the same god has different names, different mother tongues ,different parents & in-laws ,different stories of birth ,different speciality weapons, different  favourite snacks, different marital status & even if the marital status is same …then different wives, different modi operandi  with the same villain, alternate climax to the same showdowns in different states .So the same festival is celebrated on different days in different states in different manner. Yet we are proud about the looming concept of unity in diversity!

Activities consisting of bursting crackers, whipping away to glory in hordes, , butchering clueless fowls & animals in the name of sacrifice, distributing coloured eggs & decorating unassuming trees , drowning idols in the sea are all parts of the esteemed festival agenda. Subtility has not been our thing really, but the significance behind all these festivals that ring periodically year after year like an alarm is totally overlooked by us.

 Lets take for instance, a myth that talks about a God who killed a demon who was a serial womanizer who abducted his wife. The implicit value is not about glorifying the god’s prowess, but is to improve moral values of the civilization and remind people of the end results philanderer’s would have to face. The god and the demon were metaphors assigned to create awareness, but like the person who neglected his parrot to decorate the cage, the message is ignored and the metaphors are decorated with pomp & splendor.

RISE OF GOD-MEN:

Ours is the only country where the population of Gods exceeds the actual population. In such a scenario, the population taking advantage of this booming industry has to be sizeable. Going by the current trend,  degree courses with specializations  in specific areas would get introduced as follows:

  Key: NB-Naughty Bachelor of

NB-MJ(Mumbo Jumbo-General)                                       

NB-SI(Spitting Idols)

NB-DM(Domestic magic)

NB-HWV(Civil including house warming & vasthu)

NB-BCBM(Baby creation & bullion management)

NB-LBB(Literature behind the bars)

 NBA-P(Astrology via Passbook)

NB-MM(Ministers Management)

People seek inner peace/solace from god-men after falling for their well-crafted gimmicks and feel that their association puts them on the fast track road to self realization, only to realise that what is actually reducing is their bank balance and not their sins! If you have a fascination for magic, then go for P.C.Sorcar shows or watch David Blaine on youtube rather than trying to find God in half-baked/ amateur/ cheap tricks executed by a uncouth buffoon with a weird ethnic name like Sri Sri Satya Sodana Nanda or Satguru Baba Damndev. Like seasonal fruits they bloom for limited period. The need of the hour is not God-men, but GOOD-MEN!!

MATERIALISM IN WORSHIP:

When do most people hit the temples or pray to God- when someone’s ill or when they need to pass in their exams, to get married or divorced soon, for the embryo to be of preferred sex, for the repayment of existing debt, for wealth creation, for seeking employment or during an idle sunday morning before breakfast at a restaurant next block. We try to get these things done in a quicker way trying to jump the imaginary queue of existing prayers by performing special pujas, dropping large chunks of money in temple hundis, distributing free food, buying jewellery for the Idol, walk on fire, body-piercing with religious iron rods, barefooted walkathon on mountains, skip KFC trips in order to bribe God.

But the worst thing of above all this is some people make quick hand gestures seated in their bikes or cars from outside the temple as they wanted to do God a favour by sparing those few seconds from their “busy day”.

But we fail to understand is temple visits & prayers should be motivated by gratitude & neither be done mechanically like brushing & bathing nor should it be done for a favour. Nepotism is not among the virtues of the Supreme Being. When a person with the virtues of Ravana goes to a Rama temple and makes a sizeable donation, it really doesn’t serve any purpose like an empty bottle with a hole at the bottom.

EPILOGUE:

Maybe we can’t see or touch God due to our sensory limitations, but what would be permanent is to start understanding the significance behind every story & symbolism behind the image of every God.

God is omnipresent as he recedes in the lift given by a youngster to an elderly person on the road, biscuits distributed to stray dogs on the road, food given to urchins, assistance to a blind person to cross the road, skipped meal of the parents for the son’s education and a son’s sacrifice to make his family debt free and all genuine feelings. God is simple, let’s not complicate…God is accessible, let’s not exaggerate. In doing this we would only be moving closer to God as a race that is God-loving & not God-fearing.  

FRIENDSLIP

X-"We both keep in touch on a regular basis and more importantly respect each other's opinions",
Y-"Sounds good,so can I presume you guys are good friends?"
X-"on FB,yeah"
Y-"!@#$%%%&"

Friendship is the most littered word ever!Myth talks about eternal friendship between warriors of opposite camps,person taking the arrow shot at his friend on his bosom, men perishing along with their pals avoiding the lure to switch camps. Celluloid lore talks about a rich guy going out of the way to help his poor bud,protagonist sacrificing the girl of his dream for his friend,donating  assorted organs to replace his mate from the jaws of death,a wreck-machine who takes on the system to avenge his bud’s death and even wastrels who disable themselves physically to enable their friend’s friend elope with his girl and all other possible exaggerated portrayals of  ‘eternity ’ of friendship the human-mind can take!

But in the current scenario,true friendship’s become hypothetical and use of one’s resources towards his friend’s need has become viability based.This doesn’t mean true friendship doesn’t exist at all,it does like honest politicians & trim cops.And the indifferent few who dole out words like "friendship" & "soulmates" are often taken along in the same breadth as a vintage car or an excavated fossil.

 MISTAKEN PALS

This is the most common, yet unnoticed category.  This includes situation created friends who came into our lives through the conspiracy of fate & coincidence like our kindergarten/school/tuition mates or even the guy next door who used to be an accomplice during our balancing wheel days.  One common thing between all these people is that it could have been them or anybody else or in other words, the friendship came out of constraint of being in the same nursery/same class or the same neighbourhood and not out of emotional compatibility or mutual liking to make it special.  These places were well regulated/safely protected environments controlled by teachers & subjects, unlike in adulthood which imparts hard-hitting lesson in the rear ,at a point when the mind expects love,affection & understands betrayal.  These people were acquaintances mistaken to be “childhood buddies” famously.  Some childhood friends do get closer with age,but most remain namesake in the finite estate of nostalgia.

PARASITE PALS

These are people who expect things gladly, till we expect back.  The sole purpose of their name featuring in our contacts is to avoid their calls.  You can expect them in your life most certainly when yout're downhill,figuratively mostly and literally at times.  On a bad day when we are behind our schedule or have a pressing commitment  to complete, these men manifest out of nowhere in unexpected public places only to hone our patience by talking about those non-existent good old days with well-conceived imaginary flashbacks and worse, expect strong reciprocation from us back.

This is the time when our mind sinks into the sea of regret wondering  how harder can the face frown to convey annoyance to the speaker who is clueless about the art of body language.Finally when Satan's long innings ends at our pitch,with this guy receding away ,the hatred towards our ears reduces only to abruptly end by his-“We should catch up again!”

VIRTUAL PALS

At a time when the internet is no more a luxury earmarked for the higher-middle group and android phones have become more accessible than groceries,these people trespass into our lives like a virus through firewall.These are low-maintenance relations running on social-networking apps like whatsapp, facebook,viber,skype,
In a place like facebook, the number of friends one has could be a really deceiving aspect apart from the spirit of bonhomie kept alive by photo-bombing and tagging.This friendship, in a nutshell is as strong as one's internet plan.

VICE PALS

As the name suggests, this relation is born out of the common urge to fag,booze or drugs in a common place at a uniform time by like minded men,who got the concept of population control a little wrong. Like an automobile which just wouldn't move an inch without the fuel intake, their bromance blossoms symbiotically with every bout.  This escapist pursuit for happiness in alcohol remains as futile as the sheep’s plight for solace in the butcher’s knife.In short,a relationship which doesn't last beyond the hangover.

PANICK PALS

They basically use us as a dumpyard to unload their problems. They remain in a self imposed exile from us during their happy times and when the last drop of merry gets over,they get their chronologically accumulated woes to us, to rightfully seek our “honest opinions” in the name of friendship.The easy way to get rid of them is ask them for a top-up.

PICNIC PALS   

Notwithstanding the ongoing shallow relation,like cat in a dog-show they barge into our life with systematically etched,well-budgeted reunions/retreats/movie plans/birthday parties(not theirs).Basically, they seek your company for improving the headcount or filling the budgetary deficit in their purposeful getaways.

 PAY PALS

This relation is as strong as one's bank balance.They come with the deposits and leave with the withdrawals.They're generally found in high end places with filthy rich people take them to be real,like a naive flower about the honey bee.

Not that I'm cynical about the idea of friendship,but just that in some cases friendship’s eternity is a bit overrated.Everyone does have true friends who really care about them & remain constant notwithstanding the changes in fortune.
Just that,it's good to have one good friend than a dozen meaningless ones, for as many zeroes as there maybe in the background, we need an one in the forefront to lend value to the number.

                

Of Loved Ones & Loud Ones!

Fossil fuels,petroleum,oil etc aren't only the endangered natural resources that are fast depleting and need to be conserved,there's one more natural resource-our Emotional Apparatus.

 Like the aforesaid resources our grandparents too won’t be there for our successors to live alongside, that is nature’s design, but at the current rate of emotional nuclearity chances of their memories penetrating to the next generation looks bleak!

We have mentally evolved into abominable creatures who are insensitive to emotions not with flair, but with a lot of herd instinct to be “COOL”. Our generation just doesn’t have time to succumb to the beauty of nostalgia to take us over on a pleasure trip to relive those eternally cherished moments with our close buddies, because we are flashback proof! We are these futuristic douchebags who live in the present and hate to think about the past that is dead.

When at our grandparent's place, especially during festival time formality visit/due diligence they try  sermonising  on how bad and mean the world around has become with a lot of unadulterated concern and love for us(little do they know that we have already sunk into jetlag mode!).Accepted that beyond the first two minutes this conversation,err monologue becomes a tad too tiresome(which is attributable to the wavelength differences effected by the steep generation gap)…but we go over the top in calling them uninteresting on their faces bluntly without provision for courtesy in the name of being “frank”!!But the truth is we just don’t have the time for this in our suffocating busy agenda comprising of visits to ethnically designed coffee pubs, talks about unresolved issues with opposite sex or their attractiveness or lack of it,adventurous escapades from parental advice, political scams(in a "I can fix that" tone), gossip about celebrities, movie reviews, gang conflicts & territorial issues, hogging in newly opened neighborhood food joints, indulgence in expensive slow death inducing activities a.k.a  fagging & boozing etc.

Most ironical thing about us we don’t show love to the people who show love to us, but immerse neck deep the ones who hardly acknowledge our existence with our love and are bemused with the lack of reciprocation. The fact is they are just mirroring your state of mind & reconfirming your entitlement. When you keep poking your loved one’s soft corner  persistently, you’ve got to be the punching bag of a heartless person at some juncture.

Whatever we are faced with now, good or bad is our hard earned dividend from the past. So next time when you get blasted by your boss at the work place, insulted by the conductor for not tendering exact change, subjected to handpicked swear words of a autodriver at a signal for his fault, involved in a lopsided brawl with a brawny barbarian in a crowded place, snubbed by your gang for  a plan you were dying to be part of, kidnapped on your birthday & released subsequently on grounds of mistaken identity, get your expensive white shirt  smeared with chocolate coloured water on a rainy day by a careless driver you must wake up to this revelation!

Just remember that with every mindless drama at home with your loved ones, you’re getting earmarked for some assorted fancy repercussions carefully directed by fate!