PROLOGUE:
As the movie starts playing in the Cinema Hall, we transcend into the Reel world to peep into the life of the Protagonist leaving behind our conscious self with the popcorn tub. Movies are the escapist solace people seek from the real world. But the duration of the sub-conscious mind’s stay in the fabricated world is dependent on how much we connect emotionally with the director’s figment of imagination. If the movie works, the mind’s relaxed & we crave for a little more of the experience(Quantum of solace>ticket rate)…but when the movie doesn’t, the mind immediately goes on a guilt trip questioning the propriety of the decision to watch the movie when naphthalene balls were there for consumption to achieve the same purpose & why the director’s dad should have been impotent , but then it fantasizes butter popcorn melting in the tongue ably lubricated by Coke to make up for the void.(Quantum of Solace=Butter Popcorn +Coke or Quantum of Solace<Ticket Rate).Movies have inspired lives in many ways -got some married while getting some divorced, created awareness about social issues, invented new techniques for high end burglaries, vanquished nuclearity in some families and has split some joint families, made alcohol beverages a mandatory helpline for heartbreaks among other things.
Then there are some actors who give their lives for movies and some for who people would give their lives. This blog is dedicated to the funny side of the tinsel town with its share of clichés & myths.
INTRODUCTION SEQUENCE:
These are the generally practiced methods for the pre-intro scene build-up-either a family is shown being slaughtered with a solitary member escaping with a kid(we know who) or group of girls are chased in a busy highway by stunt masters or domestic animals are shown causing mayhem in neighbourhood or comedian is enquired by a bevy of girls about the hero’s whereabouts or sidekicks out of the blue start belting out previous movie names of the hero looking at the audience or junior artist farmers are exploited by Stunt Master landlord or a Mafia Lord draws a line challenging junior artist labourers to cross it to save a fellow old labourer or a Wrestling Tournament where an aggressive Pakistani/North-Indian Wrestler beats the hell out of junior stunt masters & challenges the Masculinity of Indians/Tamizhans or most commonly hordes of junior stunt masters rowdies run into a very familiar abandoned workshop/factory godown set chasing the hero .
Once the build-up is over, we are shown a pair of legs walking towards us or a fist is shown along with a hefty goon flying away and the focus gradually moves upwards to the hero’s face who winks, acknowledging the anonymous body parts to be his.
OPENING SONG:
This is the culmination point of the intro scene, where the hero blows his own trumpet gyrating alongside a desperate choreographer & a group of junior dancers. Extra effort is taken to show montages of the hero helping septuagenarians cross roads, helping school kids do their home-work or saving the stereo-type pregnant woman from her drunkard hubby or snubbing super-models during the song’s running time. At the end of every stanza the hero performs specialty dance-movements like “saraswathi with tambura- step”, ”monkey on the highway -step”, “playing flute rotating on the toe-step“,”dog on pursuit of moving bun- step” to name a few.
Then enough importance is given to include heavy-duty messages in the lyrics that are characterized by eternity of friendship, work is worship aspect, importance of labourers, how to impress girls, why girls are dangerous to a guy’s future, board-exam FAQs, CBSE syllabus, ayurvedic beauty tips,6 packs diet, how to bake flower like idlis, SBI interest rates ,ruling party manifesto, details of off-season sale at life-style etc.
20-60 60-60 & 20-16 60-20 Syndrome:
Cinema is all about eternity, the role you start your career which becomes your staple role in for the rest of your life. There are infinite cases where an actor started playing 60 yr old at his 20th yr & continued playing 60yr old at his 60th yr too(20-60-60-60) & likewise there were the lucky ones who started their careers, playing roles of their age & continue playing the similar age roles even as their life insurance is about to mature(20-16-60-20).
Following would be the salient features of the (20-60-60-60) victims:
· Fixed income, job security similar to Govt jobs
· Opportunity of grandfatherly/fatherly hugs & kisses from heroines of different generations who after their heydays act as your spouse.
· It’s a very dirty situation to flirt with the heroine outside the shoot with the contingency of her calling you pa/grandpa looming large.
· Frustration of not making to the casting couch
· Remarkable acumen over choice of wigs(subject to the rapidness of balding)
· Embarrassment of seeing school friends go to college sporting t-shirts in bikes, flirting with girls of their age group.
· Can’t do heavy workouts in gyms due to nature of role
· Endorsements comprising of bone & joint hospitals, piles/diabetes medicine , matrimonial , mediclaim insurance, betel nut & supari
· Monotony of roles ranging from aging father to ailing father to doting grandpa(who tries hard to be cute & who’s ears is twisted by a seasoned grandma actor for stealthily trying to eat sweet) to a bed ridden grandpa(who flirts with the nurse) to a dead grandpa hanging in the house’s wall
of fame( the pre-death footage comes in a blink n miss flashback)
Following would be the salient features of the (20-16-60-20) beneficiaries:
· Rapidly increasing income, directly proportionate to the market
· Option of as many retakes during making of intimate scenes with heroines
· Can negotiate risk & lust by using a body double for risky action sequences while erotic sequences & item numbers can be done with own efforts.
· Can be the chairman of casting couch committee & still cut a pious public image by regular visits to hilly terrains & pet donations to famous religious trusts.
· Embarrassment of watching enacted romantic or exaggerated stunt sequences with grandchildren who get you daily BP/sugar tablets or help you negotiate slippery toilets back home.
· Ass of the gym trainer’s sarcasm post preview of enacted “mass”action flick, when his assistance is a prerequisite for a brief stint on the treadmill or lifting unflattering weights
· Endorsement including Mobile Companies, Clothing Line, Shampoo, Fairness Creams, Beverages, Templeships, gold loans
SABERTOOTH TIGERS:
· They are actors whose expiry date precedes the manufacturing date. Like lizards & cockroaches, even they are uninvited guests who invade our prime time on TV in cookery shows, game shows ,funeral of eminent men, reality shows & try everything under the sun to make it big from releasing steamy MMSs, driving swanky cars, running in issue based marathons, attending audio releases & VIP weddings, pay local magazines to come on Page 2,dirty the neighbourhood walls with their bogus birthday wishes posters thrice a year carrying random names claiming themselves to be members from their Spurious ‘All India Fans Club’, but it just doesn’t happen. The people neither love them nor hate them; they are just not bothered about their existence. Even if these actors walk through the busiest phases of a crowded mall on a weekend, people just look through them & don’t even acknowledge them as an obstacle, leave alone as an actor on the verge of extinction. Their regular phrases in forced interviews include-“I’m Single & ready to mingle”, when not enquired about their relationship status or the more famous line-“I’m waiting for the right script”. The only thing they are acknowledged for is the bankruptcy of producers.
· These erstwhile actors get clad in white shirts taking their jobs too seriously, trying to make domestic gladiators out of unalarmed homemakers through their candid toilet trots & dish washing crash courses, trying to make the most out of these forbidden home products ad campaigns. Some get adopted by upcoming TV channels for their crass Reality shows on lifetime lease, like an old bird with broken wings by kind elders.
· CORNER SEAT SENSATIONS:
Their movies are unanimously lapped up by cupid struck couples, not for right reasons though! Cinema halls screening these actor’s movies come across as a very private place, displaying a queer pattern of corner seats alone getting filled by desperate couples for salacious reasons. The famine-hit theatre management is only too happy to heed to the demands to alter the sound levels or air conditioning inside the hall, from the last traces of life left inside. No wonder that the government’s Population Control Campaign prohibits these movies from being screened. Also growing trend of diabetics preferring these movies over jogger parks for solitude have been reported.
THE UNCLE WHO FLEW ALONG WITH OUR LOGIC:
These are movies where one could carry rice & vegetables alone to make biriyani or plain pizza base to make pizza from- Our very own Pan Indian high calorie “Masala” movies where things get as “Cheesy” as the heart can tolerate.
When Hollywood superhero flicks release here, the first thought that flashes across an average movie buff’s mind is not of amusement, but of déjàvu that instigates him to feel what’s the fuss about when Vxjxy/Rxjxi do similar things movie after movie in author- backed minimalist roles such as auto-driver/milkman/coolie.
Where Hollywood spends a bomb on visual effects, we spend a fortune on building elaborate properties for duets. When Hollywood relied on mutated spider stings, bats or galactic interventions to complete the super hero transformation, all our hero needs is the bad guy to utter a syllable of the swear word on his dad’s face or make passes at his heroine/sister or attempt corruption at a government office or adultery at a ration shop or just be a Pakistani to evoke the Super hero within irrespective of the role be it lawyer,doctor,software engineer, priest or even limbless wheel chair bound handicap or blind multiple sclerosis hit protagonist!
While Hollywood depends heavily on Marvel/DC Comic book for its Superhero stories, our movie marvels derive their stories from mid-shoot lunch break chats between the hero’s left hand(PA) & the Assistant Directors or the producer’s school going kid’s fantasy inspired from his POGO patronage.
When Hollywood heroes go on crash diets & lift heavyweights to bulk up for the role, our heroes crash their diets in thalapakattu cuisines & lift heavier weights (flabby-thunder-thighed heroines) to prepare for the role. While some dimwits meticulously develop big biceps’ that protrude from ther sleeves, smart ones stitch shirts tight for their spongy arms.
While their antagonists are endowed with Super-human powers & super-kewl gadgets, our ones are endowed with uncanny sense of humour, proficiency in foul language, a loud dubbing artist, flourishing paunches, thick gold chains , masculine concubines, knifes & spades(no guns even if from Al-Qaeda) & customary white Sumos which have an integral part of action screenplays.
FAD 2 BORIN
· Insipid sequences include the hero reciting poetry characterized by his previous movie names in chronological order sans correlation to a perplexed villain camp or the villain’s sidekicks doing SWOT analysis of the hero’s unlimited prowess predicting their inevitable decadence.
· Also insecurity over the recall value of the movie’s title on the audience’s mind makes every random character utter it on loop mode like a TSN jingle or casting prematurely ripe child artists who threaten to transcend our line of tolerance with animated dialogue delivery hinting the hero’s arrival & departure time in the villain’s den or giving lead to the famous song in the movie.
· Wide angle shot of main villain marauding in the company of his unvaccinated gang as the opening credits roll, when random paper cuttings screaming out his menace are shown in the backdrop with howler headlines(like US Economy hit by murder in T Nagar by Buji Babu).Also a not so sportive villain gunning down his comrade after losing in a game of chess/ arm wrestling or striking out the word ‘loser’ from a copy of the oxford dictionary is shown to us, to subtly accustom the audience to the levels of asininity to come.
ADD ONS
Also there are these Super savers Packages where actors come at a 2 for the price of 1 offer for repetitive footages that include
(a) Rape sequences-where one ‘rape specialist actor’(X)acts as the proverbial spoilt step brother(mostly) of the hero who rapes the ‘raped specialist actress’(Y) who always belongs to a poverty-stuck idealistic household who later gets distress sold to him by the hero’s lecture demo on “divinity of feminity” combined with boorish verdict from the Panchayat Head.
(b)Voice of society sequences: Where they (X & Y) instigate the hero’s family to immolate themselves by their pungent gossip act from roadside, following the hero’s narcotic frame-up/sister character’s brothel frame-up in unimaginative flashback sequences.
(c) Summoning forces of nature sequences: Here they(X & Y again) come across as a couple bereaved by the antagonist’s philandering ways leading to them making an over the top plea to the forces of nature to bring a suitable nemesis to the villain, promptly after which the shot fluctuates from their face to the hero’s footwear(metaphorical of their prominence).
(d) Impersonal Sequences: My personal favourite, where their photos ( X & Y) alone are used in the movie as either a deceased person’s portrait hanging in the hero’s house, International Mafia lord in a blink and miss slideshow by the CBI or a girl’s photo which the matchmaker shows the hero, who rejects it.
CUPID DUPID
Concocted romantic sequences generally made up of a drop dead gorgeous bird-brained heroine who comes across the hexagenarian hero (who’s on the hit list of Devil of Diabetes with an attractive stationary wig that sits like a domesticated pet on his head), 30-35 times coincidentally wearing the same colored clothes as him uplifting the society, helping true lover elope or mend broken weddings by soliloquies leading to fund raising for Dowry collection, giving empowerment peons, making hush educational donations at road signals & helping disabled hawkers sell consumer goods. Then the looker who wasn’t noticing his admirer all along, falls for her clumsiness & homely character over her looks and thus begins the first of many unimaginative duets & upsurge in the outward march of restless smokers outside the cinema hall.
Another technique to impress a girl, that has been repeated to the hilt includes the Ethnic-Chauvinistic hero(dressed up in humid leather jacket or unbuttoned Full hand Magenta Shirt displaying his artistically done-up triangular Chest hair formation) belting up an unsavory, sexist speech to the baffled heroine clad in modern outfit in a crowded Public place on –“Indian Culture, Declining trends in Sarees with comparative figures from 2010-11 Census, Inverse relation of feminity and Pepe Jeans, Urge for English to be made the second language in English medium schools, Sacredness of Idli shops over Mary Brown joints, On why oiled hair with flowers is preferred over Pantene, Edge that Hawai Apparels with anklets have over high heeled footwear.”
As aggravating as Double Standards get, we are shown a series of events that exhibit the transition of the heroine from a tomboy to a timid Saree Clad person who fantasizes the average looking hero mouthing those obtuse dialogues on loop mode in slow-mo leading to an aesthetic duet picturised on the hero dressed up for Halloween, gyrating alongside the two-piece clad heroine with a voyeuristic camera swaying around Censor-cut regions with hitting below the belt lyrics playing behind.
MINUTE MADE:
This is the optimistic stereotype portion of the movie which usually begins after a confrontation between the hero & his friend/villain/heroine’s father, after which we are shown the meteoric rise of the hero from a modest position within the running time of a heavy duty song. Sequences move in montages throughout the song duration which show the hero working hard in menial jobs & then his overflowing hundi followed by his mother inaugurating his first business premise, then convenient flash shots of his Company Name board on stray buildings indicating the expansion of his business empire followed by blazer parade alongside sidekicks arranged horizontally, then the dwindling fortunes of his challenger characterized by “sale of bungalow” sequences and metaphorical footages like winner going up the escalator, while the crest fallen challenger coming down.
We are spoon fed with lame sequences like the hero gesturing instructions to the baffled architect in a construction site, board meeting with foreigners indicative of his international expansion or “stark comparison” shots of the hero’s metamorphosis from being naïve & disrespected in the past to the Messiah of the Masses who provides stone-faced justice in the accompaniment of metaphorical lyrics like “the breeze turned into a storm” or the “heart’s moisture has dried up in the heat of vengeance”. To add garbage to the brimming bin, we are tormented with juvenile usage of graphics showing volcanoes erupting from mountains behind as the hero serenades the screen or his face turning into a lion/dinosaur or we are shown multiple expansions of the hero.
AD(verse)TISEMENTS:
We can afford the extravagance of a board that says “Stray Dogs & Salesmen Not Allowed” outside our residence or get registered as a DNC number with our mobile operator to avoid getting perturbed by irksome Salesmen, we can’t seek the same immunity from these desperate actors who invade our lives through TV commercials or giant billboards from which they intimidate us with their Plastic Frown. Through their imbecile ad campaigns they pass on socially responsible messages like- the society eunuchizes a guy till he uses a certain fairness cream, platinum jewellery is a must for your wife to declare pregnancy, noodles are the universal language of motherly love to school going kids, filter coffee bails you out from the verge of divorce, aerated beverages are a pre-requisite for you to indulge in bungee jumping or a batsman to play his signature shot, certain toothpastes play ideal match makers in public transport ,it’s a gala event to pledge your wife’s jewellery for a jewel loan, certain soaps are needed for a girl to become an airhostess, certain deodorants make Pied Pipers out of anorexic men and all you need is a Mobile Connection to reunite with your estranged grandparents. Some indecent actors even go to the extent of giving lecture-demo about these products in critical portions of their movies without any correlation, nauseating the audience thus. They are no different from greedy Street hawkers barring the medium, reach and scale of remuneration.
P.S: Sarcastic references to any actor with or without wig, who get paid/ pay to act, dead or preferred dead, suffering from chronic piles or frequent IT raids, posthumously granted phony doctorates, guilty of failed molestation attempts on their domestic helps is purely intentional!
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